Ice Cream Sandwiches_ The Snacktaku Review of Doom
By Dr. Eleanor Vance | Published on January 01, 0001
I did not need to review the ice cream sandwich. Its 
merits are readily evident, especially to all of the people that have already left this article to go to their local grocer’s freezer based on the top image alone. So this is less a review and more an exploration of the sheer power of this, the greatest of the ice cream confections, complete with irrefutable video proof.(new Image()).src = 'https://capi.connatix.com/tr/si?token=995c4c7d-194f-4077-b0a0-7ad466eb737c&cid=872d12ce-453b-4870-845f-955919887e1b'; cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "995c4c7d-194f-4077-b0a0-7ad466eb737c" }).render("79703296e5134c75a2db6e1b64762017"); }); Now when I say ice cream sandwiches, I am talking exactly what you see being assembled by the world’s friendliest robot atop this post. Not ice cream on a bun. Not a Chipwich. Not Subway’s $5.00 fudge ripple and tuna surprise (mmmm). I am talking vanilla ice cream between rummy star two rummy wealth flimsy chocolate wafers, period.
That’s right, vanilla ice cream. Not chocolate, birthday cake, or Neapolitan, Those variants are delicious, but changing the mystical formula by which god crafts true ice cream sandwiches dilutes their power. It’s been said that god never burdens us 
with more ice cream sandwiches than we can eat. That only applies to the finger-clinging originals. Otto Pizzeria in New York City makes Brioche ice cream sandwiches. rummy win New York City is full of godless deviants who are all going to hell.
The true ice cream sandwich is the Oreo of frozen treats. It’s the perfect helping of cold and creamy served between the most efficient and flavorful delivery device possible. The current formula has not changed since 1945 when Jerry Newberg started selling them at Forbes Field in my home state of Pennsylvania.
That’s nearly 70 years of accumulated power, more than enough to interrupt the video shoot of a professional snackologist. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwpw_acEv1w See? If I even thought about giving these a negative review, we’d all be dead, our stomachs filled with broken glass. Do you wanna die? Do you wanna die? I promise you I will treat you well my sweet angel — so help me Jesus.
Ice cream sandwiches also really love 
the Toadies’ “Possum Kingdom.” Snacktaku is Kotaku’s take on the wild and wonderful world of eating things, but not eating meals. Eating meals is for those with too much time on their hands. Past critiques can be found at the Snacktaku review archive.
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